THE AMBER SPYGLASS-第81章

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ond　paste；〃　she　explained　to　lyra；　who　was　looking　confused。

lyra　said；　〃ah！　marchpane！〃　and　settled　back　fortably　to　hear　what　happened　next。

〃anyway；〃　mary　went　on。　〃i　remembered　the　taste；　and　all　at　once　i　was　back　tasting　it　for　the　first　time　as　a　young　girl。

〃i　was　twelve　years　old。　i　was　at　a　party　at　the　house　of　one　of　my　friends；　a　birthday　party；　and　there　was　a　disco；　thats　where　they　play　music　on　a　kind　of　recording　machine　and　people　dance；〃　she　explained；　seeing　lyras　puzzlement。　〃usually　girls　dance　together　because　the　boys　are　too　shy　to　ask　them。　but　this　boy；　i　didnt　know　him；　he　asked　me　to　dance；　and　so　we　had　the　first　dance　and　then　the　next；　and　by　that　time　we　were　talking。。。　and　you　know　what　it　is　when　you　like　someone；　you　know　it　at　once；　well；　i　liked　him　such　a　lot。　and　we　kept　on　talking　and　then　there　was　a　birthday　cake。　and　he　took　a　bit　of　marzipan　and　he　just　gently　put　it　in　my　mouth；　i　remember　trying　to　smile；　and　blushing；　and　feeling　so　foolish；　and　i　fell　in　love　with　him　just　for　that；　for　the　gentle　way　he　touched　my　lips　with　the　marzipan。〃

as　mary　said　that；　lyra　felt　something　strange　happen　to　her　body。　she　felt　as　if　she　had　been　handed　the　key　to　a　great　house　she　hadnt　known　was　there；　a　house　that　was　somehow　inside　her；　and　as　she　turned　the　key；　she　felt　other　doors　opening　deep　in　the　darkness；　and　lights　ing　on。　she　sat　trembling　as　mary　went　on：

〃and　i　think　it　was　at　that　party；　or　it　might　have　been　at　another　one；　that　we　kissed　each　other　for　the　first　time。　it　was　in　a　garden；　and　there　was　the　sound　of　music　from　inside；　and　the　quiet　and　the　cool　among　the　trees；　and　i　was　aching；　all　my　body　was　aching　for　him；　and　i　could　tell　he　felt　the　same；　and　we　were　both　almost　too　shy　to　move。　almost。　but　one　of　us　did　and　then　without　any　interval　between；　it　was　like　a　quantum　leap；　suddenly；　we　were　kissing　each　other；　and　oh；　it　was　more　than　china；　it　was　paradise。

〃we　saw　each　other　about　half　a　dozen　times；　no　more。　and　then　his　parents　moved　away　and　i　never　saw　him　again。　it　was　such　a　sweet　time；　so　short。。。　but　there　it　was。　id　known　it。　i　had　been　to　china。〃

it　was　the　strangest　thing：　lyra　knew　exactly　what　she　meant；　and　half　an　hour　earlier　she　would　have　had　no　idea　at　all。　and　inside　her；　that　rich　house　with　all　its　doors　open　and　all　its　rooms　lit　stood　waiting；　quiet；　expectant。

〃and　at　half　past　nine　in　the　evening　at　that　restaurant　table　in　portugal；〃　mary　continued；　〃someone　gave　me　a　piece　of　marzipan　and　it　all　came　back。　and　i　thought：　am　i　really　going　to　spend　the　rest　of　my　life　without　ever　feeling　that　again？　i　thought：　i　want　to　go　to　china。　its　full　of　treasures　and　strangeness　and　mystery　and　joy。　i　thought；　will　anyone　be　better　off　if　i　go　straight　back　to　the　hotel　and　say　my　prayers　and　confess　to　the　priest　and　promise　never　to　fall　into　temptation　again？　will　anyone　be　the　better　for　making　me　miserable？

〃and　the　answer　came　back；　no。　no　one　will。　theres　no　one　to　fret；　no　one　to　condemn；　no　one　to　bless　me　for　being　a　good　girl；　no　one　to　punish　me　for　being　wicked。　heaven　was　empty。　i　didnt　know　whether　god　had　died；　or　whether　there　never　had　been　a　god　at　all。　either　way　i　felt　free　and　lonely　and　i　didnt　know　whether　i　was　happy　or　unhappy；　but　something　very　strange　had　happened。　and　all　that　huge　change　came　about　as　i　had　the　marzipan　in　my　mouth；　before　id　even　swallowed　it。　a　taste；　a　memory；　a　landslide。。。

〃when　i　did　swallow　it　and　looked　at　the　man　across　the　table；　i　could　tell　he　knew　something　had　happened。　i　couldnt　tell　him　there　and　then；　it　was　still　too　strange　and　private　almost　for　me。　but　later　on　we　went　for　a　walk　along　the　beach　in　the　dark；　and　the　warm　night　breeze　kept　stirring　my　hair　about；　and　the　atlantic　was　being　very　well…behaved；　little　quiet　waves　around　our　feet。。。

〃and　i　took　the　crucifix　from　around　my　neck　and　i　threw　it　in　the　sea。　that　was　it。　all　over。　gone。

〃so　that　was　how　i　stopped　being　a　nun；〃　she　said。

〃was　that　man　the　same　one　that　found　out　about　the　skulls？〃　lyra　said　after　a　moment。

〃oh；　no。　the　skull　man　was　dr。　payne；　oliver　payne。　he　came　along　much　later。　no；　the　man　at　the　conference　was　called　alfredo　montale。　he　was　very　different。〃

〃did　you　kiss　him？〃

〃well；〃　said　mary；　smiling；　〃yes；　but　not　then。〃

〃was　it　hard　to　leave　the　church？〃　said　will。

〃in　one　way　it　was；　because　everyone　was　so　disappointed。　everyone；　from　the　mother　superior　to　the　priests　to　my　parents；　they　were　so　upset　and　reproachful。。。　i　felt　as　if　something　they　all　passionately　believed　in　depended　on　me　carrying　on　with　something　i　didnt。

〃but　in　another　way　it　was　easy；　because　it　made　sense。　for　the　first　time　ever　i　felt　i　was　doing　something　with　all　of　my　nature　and　not　only　a　part　of　it。　so　it　was　lonely　for　a　while；　but　then　i　got　used　to　it。〃

〃did　you　marry　him？〃　said　lyra。

〃no。　i　didnt　marry　anyone。　i　lived　with　someone；　not　alfredo；　someone　else。　i　lived　with　him　for　four　years；　nearly。　my　family　was　scandalized。　but　then　we　decided　wed　be　happier　not　living　together。　so　im　on　my　own。　the　man　i　lived　with　used　to　like　mountain　climbing；　and　he　taught　me　to　climb；　and　i　walk　in　the　mountains　and。。。　and　ive　got　my　work。　well；　i　had　my　work。　so　im　solitary　but　happy；　if　you　see　what　i　mean。〃

〃what　was　the　boy　called？〃　said　lyra。　〃at　the　party？〃

〃tim。〃

〃what　did　he　look　like？〃

〃oh。。。　nice。　thats　all　i　remember。〃

〃when　i　first　saw　you；　in　your　oxford；〃　lyra　said；　〃you　said　one　of　the　reasons　you　became　a　scientist　was　that　you　wouldnt　have　to　think　about　good　and　evil。　did　you　think　about　them　when　you　were　a　nun？〃

〃hmm。　no。　but　i　knew　what　i　should　think：　it　was　whatever　the　church　taught　me　to　think。　and　when　i　did　science；　i　had　to　think　about　other　things　altogether。　so　i　never　had　to　think　about　them　for　myself　at　all。〃

〃but　do　you　now？〃　said　will。

〃i　think　i　have　to；〃　mary　said；　trying　to　he　accurate。

〃when　you　stopped　believing　in　god；〃　he　went　on；　〃did　you　stop　believing　in　good　and　evil？〃

〃no。　but　i　stopped　believing　there　was　a　power　of　good　and　a　power　of　evil　that　were　outside　us。　and　i　came　to　believe　that　good　and　evil　are　names　for　what　people　do；　not　for　what　they　are。　all　we　can　say　is　that　this　is　a　good　deed；　because　it　helps　someone；　or　thats　an　evil　one；　because　it　hurts　them。　people　are　too　plicated　to　have　simple　labels。〃

〃yes；〃　said　lyra　firmly。

〃did　you　miss　god？〃　asked　will。

〃yes；〃　mary　said；　〃terribly。　and　i　still　do。　and　what　i　miss　most　is　the　sense　of　being　connected　to　the　whole　of　the　universe。　i　used　to　feel　i　was　connected　to　god　like　that；　and　because　he　was　there；　i　was　connected　to　the　whole　of　his　creation。　but　if　hes　not　there；　then。。。〃

far　out　on　the　marshes；　a　bird　called　with　a　long；　melancholy　series　of　falling　tones。　embers　settled　in　the　fire；　the　grass　was　stirring　faintly　with　the　night　breeze。　atal　seemed　to　be　dozing　like　a　cat；　her　wheels　flat　on　the　grass　beside　her；　her　legs　folded　under　her　body；　eyes　half…closed；　attention　half…there　and　half…elsewhere。　will　was　lying　on　his　back；　eyes　open　to　the　stars。

as　for　lyra；　she　hadnt　moved　a　muscle　since　that　strange　thing　had　happened；　and　she　held　the　memory　of　the　sensation　inside　her。　she　didnt　know　what　it　was；　or　what　it　meant；　or　where　it　had　e

from；　so　she　sat　hugging　her　knees；　and　tried　to　stop　herself　from　trembling。　soon；　she　thought；　soon　ill　know。

mary　was　tired；　she　had　run　out　of　stories。　no　doubt　shed　think　of　more　tomorrow。

/d/



THIRTY…FOUR　…　THERE　IS　NOW

：
mary　couldnt　sleep。　every　time　she　closed　her　eyes；　something　made　her　sway　and　lurch　as　if　she　were　at　the　brink　of　a　precipice；　and　she　snapped　awake；　tense　with　fear。

this　happened　three；　four；　five　times；　until　she　realized　that　sleep　was　not　going　to　e；　so　she　got　up　and　dressed　quietly；　and　stepped　out　of　the　house　and　away　from　the　tree　with　its　tentlike　branches　under　which　will　and　lyra　were　sleeping。

the　moon　was　bright　and　high　in　the　sky。　there　was　a　lively　wind；　and　the　great　landscape　was　mottled　with　cloud…shadows；　moving；　mary　thought；　like　the　migration　of　some　herd　of　unimaginable　beasts。　but　animals　migrated　for　a　purpose；　when　you　saw　herds　of　reindeer　moving　across　the　tundra；　or　wildebeest　crossing　the　savanna；　you　knew　they　were　going　where　the　food　was；　or　to　places　where　it　was　good　to　mate　and　bear　offspring。　their　movement　had　a　meaning。　these　clouds　were　moving　as　the　result　of　pure　chance；　the　effect　of　utterly　random　events　at　the　level　of　atoms　and　molecules；　their　shadows　speeding　over　the　grassland　had　no　meaning　at　all。

nevertheless；　they　looked　as　if　they　did。　they　looked　tense　and　driven　with　purpose。　the　whole　night　did。　mary　felt　it；　too；　except　that　she　didnt　know　what　that　purpose　was。　but　unlike　her；　the　clouds　seemed　to　know　what　they　were　doing　and　why；　and　the　wind　knew；　and　the　grass　knew。　the　entire　world　was　alive　and　conscious。

mary　climbed　the　slope　and　looked　back　across　the　marshes；　where　the　ining　tide　laced　a　brilliant　silver　through　the　glistening　dark　of　the　mudflats　and　the　reed　beds。　the　cloud…shadows　were　very　clear　down　there；　they　looked