The Thirteenth Tale-第68章

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‘you　do　realize　that　you’re　going　to　have　a　baby　now；　don’t　you？“　mild　astonishment　passed　across　her　face；　then　left　it　tranquil　as　before。　nothing；　it　seemed；　could　disturb　her　serenity。　i　dismissed　ambrose。　i　gave　him　his　pay　till　the　end　of　the　week　and　it　him　away。　i　didn’t　look　at　him　while　i　spoke　to　him。　i　didn’t　give　him　any　reasons。　he　didn’t　ask　any　questions。　”you　may　as　well　go　immediately；“　i　told　him；　but　that　wasn’t　his　way。　he　finished　the　row　of　planting　i　had　interrupted；　cleaned　the　tools　scrupulously；　the　way　john　had　taught　him；　and　put　them　back　in　the　garden　shed；　leaving　everything　neat　and　tidy。　then　he　knocked　at　the　kitchen　door。

‘what　will　you　do　for　meat？　do　you　know　how　to　kill　a　chicken　at　least？“

i　shook　my　head。

‘e　on。“

he　jerked　his　head　in　the　direction　of　the　pen；　and　i　followed　him。

‘don’t　waste　any　time；“　he　instructed　me。　”clean　and　quick　is　the　way。　no　second　thoughts。“

he　swooped　on　one　of　the　copper…feathered　birds　pecking　about　our　feet　and　held　its　body　firmly。　he　mimed　the　action　that　would　break　its　neck。　“see？”

i　nodded。

‘go　on　then。“

he　released　the　bird　and　it　flurried　to　the　ground　where　its　round　back　was　soon　indistinguishable　from　its　neighbors。

‘now？“

‘what　else　are　you　going　to　eat　tonight？“

the　sun　was　gleaming　on　the　feathers　of　the　hens　as　they　pecked　for　seeds。　i　reached　for　a　bird；　but　it　scuttled　away。　the　second　one　slipped　through　my　fingers　in　the　same　way。　grabbing　for　a　third；　this　time；　clumsily；　i　held　on　to　it。　it　squawked　and　tried　to　beat　its　wings　in　its　panic　to　escape；　and　i　wondered　how　the　boy　had　held　his　so　easily。　as　i　struggled　to　keep　it　still　under　my　arm　and　get　my　hands　around　its　neck　at　the　same　time；　i　felt　the　boy’s　severe　eye　upon　me。

‘clean　and　quick；“　he　reminded　me。　he　doubted　me；　i　could　tell　from　his　voice。

i　was　going　to　kill　the　bird。　i　had　decided　to　kill　the　bird。　so；　gripping　the　bird’s　neck；　i　squeezed。　but　my　hands　would　only　half　obey　me。　a　strangled　cry　of　alarm　flew　from　the　bird’s　throat；　and　for　a　second　i　hesitated。　with　a　muscular　twist　and　a　flap；　the　bird　slipped　from　under　my　arm。　it　was　only　because　i　was　struck　by　the　paralysis　of　panic　that　i　still　had　it　by　the　neck。　wings　beating；　claws　flailing　wildly　at　the　air；　almost　it　lurched　away　from　me。

swiftly；　powerfully；　the　boy　took　the　bird　out　of　my　grasp　and　in　a　single　movement　he　had　done　it。

he　held　the　body　out　to　me；　i　forced　myself　to　take　it。　warm；　heavy；　still。

the　sun　shone　on　his　hair　as　he　looked　at　me。　his　look　was　worse　than　the　claws；　worse　than　the　beating　wings。　worse　than　the　limp　body　in　my　hands。

without　a　word　he　turned　his　back　and　walked　away。

what　good　was　the　boy　to　me？　my　heart　was　not　mine　to　give；　it　belonged　to　another；　and　always　had。　i　loved　emmeline。

i　believe　that　emmeline　loved　me；　too。　only　she　loved　adeline　more。　it　is　a　painful　thing　to　love　a　twin。　when　adeline　was　there；　emmeline’s　heart　was　full。　she　had　no　need　of　me；　and　i　was　left　on　the　outside；　a　cast…off；　a　superfluity；　a　mere　observer　of　the　twins　and　their　twinness。

only　when　adeline　went　roaming　alone　was　there　space　in　emmeline’s　heart　for　another。　then　her　sorrow　was　my　joy。　little　by　little　i　coaxed　her　away　from　her　loneliness；　offering　gifts　of　silver　thread　and　shiny　baubles；　until　she　almost　forgot　she　had　been　abandoned　and　gave　herself　over　to　the　friendship　and　panionship　i　could　offer。　by　a　fire　we　played　cards；　sang；　talked。　together　we　were　happy。

until　adeline　came　back。　furious　with　cold　and　hunger；　she　would　e　raging　into　the　house；　and　the　instant　she　was　there；　our　world　of　two　came　to　an　end；　and　i　was　on　the　outside　again。

it　wasn’t　fair。　though　adeline　beat　her　and　pulled　her　hair；　emmeline　loved　her。　though　adeline　abandoned　her；　emmeline　loved　her。

whatever　adeline　did；　it　altered　nothing；　for　emmeline’s　love　was　total。　and　me？　my　hair　was　copper　like　adeline’s。　my　eyes　were　green　like　adeline’s。　in　the　absence　of　adeline；　i　could　fool　anyone。　but　i　never　fooled　emmeline。　her　heart　knew　the　truth。

emmeline　had　her　baby　in　january。

no　one　knew。　as　she　had　grown　bigger；　so　she　had　grown　lazier；　it　was　no　hardship　for　her　to　keep　to　the　confines　of　the　house。　she　was　content　to　stay　inside；　yawning　in　the　library；　the　kitchen；　her　bedroom。　her　retreat　was　not　noticed。　why　should　it　have　been？　the　only　visitor　to　the　house　was　mr。　lomax；　he　came　on　regular　days　at　regular　hours。　easy　as　pie　to　have　her　out　of　the　way　by　the　time　he　knocked　on　the　door。

our　contact　with　other　people　was　slight。　for　meat　and　vegetables　we　were　self…sufficient—i　never　learned　to　like　killing　chickens；　but　i　learned　to　do　it。　as　for　other　provisions；　i　went　to　the　farm　in　person　to　collect　cheese　and　milk；　and　when　once　a　week　the　shop　sent　a　boy　on　a　bicycle　with　our　other　requirements；　i　met　him　on　the　drive　and　carried　the　basket　to　the　house　myself。　i　thought　it　would　be　a　sensible　precaution　to　have　another　twin　seen　by　someone　at　least　from　time　to　time。　once；　when　adeline　seemed　calm　enough；　i　gave　her　the　coin　and　sent　her　to　meet　the　boy　on　the　bicycle。　“it　was　the　other　one　today；”　i　imagined　him　saying；　back　at　the　shop。　“the　weird　one。”　and　i　wondered　what　the　doctor　would　make　of　it　if　the　boy’s　account　reached　his　ears。　but　it　soon　grew　impossible　to　use　adeline　like　this　again。　emmeline’s　pregnancy　affected　her　twin　curiously：　for　the　first　time　in　her　life　she　discovered　an　appetite。　from　being　a　scrawny　bag　of　bones；　she　developed　plump　curves　and　full　breasts。　there　were　times—in　half…light；　from　certain　angles—when　for　a　moment　even　i　could　not　tell　them　apart。　so　from　time　to　time　on　a　wednesday　morning；　i　would　be　adeline。　i　would　mess　my　hair；　grime　my　nails；　set　my　face　into　a　tight；　agitated　mask　and　go　down　the　drive　to　meet　the　boy　on　the　bicycle。　seeing　the　speed　of　my　gait　as　i　came　down　the　gravel　drive　to　meet　him；　he　would　know　it　was　the　other　one。　i　could　see　his　fingers　curl　anxiously　around　his　handlebars。　watching　me　surreptitiously；　he　handed　over　the　basket；　then　he　pocketed　his　tip　and　was　glad　to　bicycle　away。　the　following　week；　when　he　was　met　by　me　as　myself；　his　smile　had　a　touch　of　relief　in　it。

hiding　the　pregnancy　was　not　difficult。　but　i　was　troubled　during　those　months　of　waiting　about　the　birth　itself。　i　knew　what　the　dangers　of　labor　might　be。　isabelle’s　mother　had　not　survived　her　second　labor；　and　i　could　not　put　this　thought　out　of　my　head　for　more　than　a　few　hours　at　a　time。　that　emmeline　should　suffer；　that　her　life　should　be　put　in　danger—this　was　unthinkable。　on　the　other　hand；　the　doctor　had　been　no　friend　of　ours　and　i　did　not　want　him　at　the　house。　he　had　seen　isabelle　and　taken　her　away。　that　could　not　be　allowed　to　happen　to　emmeline。　he　had　separated　emmeline　and　adeline。　that　could　not　be　allowed　to　happen　to　emmeline　and　me。　besides；　how　could　he　e　without　there　being　immediate　plications？　and　although　he　had　been　persuaded；　though　he　did　not　understand　it；　that　the　girl　in　the　mist　had　broken　through　the　carapace　of　the　mute　rag…doll　adeline　who　had　once　spent　several　months　with　him；　if　he　were　once　to　realize　that　there　were　three　girls　at　angelfield　house；　he　would　immediately　see　the　truth　of　the　affair。　for　a　single　visit；　for　the　birth　itself；　i　could　lock　adeline　in　the　old　nursery；　and　we　might　get　away　with　it。　but　once　it　was　known　there　was　a　baby　in　the　house；　there　would　be　no　end　of　visits。　it　would　be　impossible　to　keep　our　secret。

i　was　well　aware　of　the　fragility　of　my　position。　i　knew　i　belonged　here；　i　knew　it　was　my　place。　i　had　no　home　but　angelfield；　no　love　but　emmeline；　no　life　but　this　one　here；　yet　i　was　under　no　illusions　about　how　tenuous　my　claim　would　seem　to　others。　what　friends　did　i　have？　the　doctor　could　hardly　be　expected　to　speak　up　for　me；　and　though　mr。　lomax　was　kind　to　me　now；　once　he　knew　i　had　impersonated　adeline；　it　was　inevitable　that　his　attitude　would　alter。　emmeline’s　affection　for　me　and　mine　for　her　would　count　as　nothing。

emmeline　herself；　ignorant　and　placid；　let　the　days　of　her　confinement　pass　by　untroubled。　for　me　the　time　was　spent　in　an　agony　of　indecision。　how　to　keep　emmeline　safe？　how　to　keep　myself　safe？　every　day　i　put　off　the　decision　to　the　next。　during　the　first　months　i　felt　sure　the　solution　would　e　to　me　in　time。　had　i　not　resolved　everything　else；　against　the　odds？　then　this；　too；　could　be　arranged。　but　as　the　time　grew　nearer；　the　problem　grew　more　urgent　and　i　was　no　nearer　a　decision。　i　veered　in　the　space　of　a　minute　between　grabbing　my　coat　to　go　to　the　doctor’s　house；　there　and　then；　to　tell　him　everything；　and　the　contrary　thought：　that　to　do　so　was　to　reveal　myself；　and　that　to　reveal　myself　could　only　lead　to　my　banishment。　tomorrow；　i　told　myself；　as　i　replaced　my　coat　on　the　hook。　i　will　think　of　something　tomorrow。

but　then　it　was　too　late　for　tomorrow。

i　woke　to　a　cry。　emmeline！

but　it　was　not　emmeline。　emmeline　was　huffing　and　panting；　like　a　beast　she　snorted　and　sweated；　her　eyes　bulged　and　she　showed　her　teeth；　but　she　did　not　cry　out。　she　ate　her　pain　and　it　turned　to　strength　in