The Thirteenth Tale-第58章

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than　its　intended　thickness。

it　was　this　submersion　that　was　going　to　cause　me　the　greatest　difficulty。　when　one　glanced　at　a　page；　it　was　clear　that　it　was　script。　not　any　old　script；　either；　but　hester’s。　here　were　her　firm　ascenders；　her　balanced；　fluid　loops；　here　were　her　fortable　slant；　her　economic　yet　functional　gaps。　but　on　a　closer　look；　the　words　were　blurred　and　faded。　was　this　line　an　l　or　a　t？　was　this　curve　an　a　or　an　e？　or　an　s；　even？　was　this　configuration　to　be　read　as　bet　or　lost？

it　was　going　to　be　quite　a　puzzle。　although　i　subsequently　made　a　transcript　of　the　diary；　on　that　day　the　holiday　train　was　too　crowded　to　permit　pencil　and　paper。　i　hunched　in　my　window　seat；　diary　close　to　my　nose；　and　pored　over　the　pages；　applying　myself　to　the　task　of　deciphering。　i　managed　one　word　in　three　at　first；　then　as　i　was　drawn　into　the　flow　of　her　meaning；　the　words　began　to　e　halfway　to　meet　me；　rewarding　my　efforts　with　generous　revelations；　until　i　was　able　to　turn　the　pages　with　something　like　the　speed　of　reading。　in　that　train；　the　day　before　christmas；　hester　came　to　life。

i　will　not　test　your　patience　by　reproducing　hester’s　diary　here　as　it　came　to　me：　fragmented　and　broken。　in　the　spirit　of　hester　herself；　i　have　mended　and　tidied　and　put　in　order。　i　have　banished　chaos　and　clutter。　i　have　replaced　doubt　with　certainty；　shadows　with　clarity；　lacunae　with　substance。　in　doing　so；　i　may　have　occasionally　put　words　into　her　page　that　she　never　wrote；　but　i　can　promise　that　if　i　have　made　mistakes；　it　is　only　in　the　small　things；　where　it　matters　i　have　squinted　and　scrutinized　until　i　am　as　sure　as　sure　can　be　that　i　have　distinguished　her　original　meaning。

i　do　not　give　the　entire　diary；　only　an　edited　selection　of　passages。　my　choice　has　been　dictated　first　by　questions　of　relevance　to　my　purpose；　which　is　to　tell　the　story　of　miss　winter；　and　second　by　my　desire　to　give　an　accurate　impression　of　hester’s　life　at　angelfield。

angelfield　house　is　decent　enough　at　a　distance；　although　it　faces　the　wrong　way　and　the　windows　are　badly　positioned；　but　on　approaching；　one　sees　instantly　the　state　of　dilapidation　it　has　been　allowed　to　fall　into。

sections　of　the　stonework　are　dangerously　weathered。　window　frames　are　rotting。　and　it　did　look　as　though　parts　of　the　roof　are　storm…damaged。　i　shall　make　it　apriority　to　check　the　ceilings　in　the　attic　rooms。

the　housekeeper　weled　me　at　the　door。　though　she　tries　to　hide　it；　i　understood　immediately　that　she　has　difficulty　seeing　and　hearing。　given　her　great　age；　this　is　no　surprise。　it　also　explains　the　filthy　state　of　the　house；　but　i　suppose　the　angelfield　family　does　not　want　to　throw　her　out　after　a　lifetime’s　service　in　the　house。　i　can　approve　their　loyalty；　though　i　fail　to　see　why　she　cannot　be　helped　by　younger；　stronger　hands。

mrs。　dunne　told　me　about　the　household。　the　family　has　been　living　here　with　what　most　would　consider　a　greatly　reduced　staff　for　years　now；　and　it　has　e　to　be　accepted　as　part　of　the　way　of　the　house。　quite　why　it　should　be　so；　i　have　not　yet　ascertained；　but　what　i　do　know　is　that　there　is；　outside　the　family　proper；　only　mrs。　dunne　and　a　gardener　called　john　digence。　there　are　deer　（though　there　is　no　hunting　anymore）；　but　the　man　who　looks　after　them　is　never　seen　around　the　house；　he　takes　instruction　from　the　same　solicitor　who　engaged　me　and　who　acts　as　a　kind　of　estate　manager—so　far　as　there　is　any　estate　management。　it　is　mrs。　dunne　herself　who　deals　with　the　regular　household　finances。　i　supposed　that　charles　angelfield　looked　over　the　books　and　the　receipts　each　week；　but　mrs。　dunne　only　laughed　and　asked　if　i　thought　she　had　the　sight　to　go　making　lists　of　figures　in　a　book。　i　cannot　help　but　think　this　highly　unorthodox。　not　that　i　think　mrs。　dunne　untrustworthy。　from　what　i　have　seen　she　gives　every　indication　of　being　a　good…hearted；　honest　woman；　and　it　is　my　hope　that　when　i　e　to　know　her　better　i　shall　be　able　to　ascribe　her　reticence　entirely　to　deafness。　i　made　a　note　to　demonstrate　to　mr。　angelfield　the　advantages　of　keeping　accurate　records　and　thought　that　i　might　offer　to　undertake　the　job　myself　if　he　was　too　busy　to　do　it。

pondering　this；　i　began　to　think　it　time　i　met　my　employer；　and　could　not　have　been　more　surprised　when　mrs。　dunne　told　me　he　spends　his　entire　day　in　the　old　nursery　and　that　it　is　not　his　habit　to　leave　it。　after　a　great　many　questions　i　eventually　ascertained　that　he　is　suffering　from　some　kind　of　disorder　of　the　mind。　a　great　pity！　is　there　anything　more　sorrowful　than　a　brain　whose　proper　function　has　been　disrupted？

mrs。　dunne　gave　me　tea　（which　i　pretended　to　drink　out　of　politeness；　but　later　threw　into　the　sink　for　i　had　no　faith　in　the　cleanliness　of　the　teacup；　having　seen　the　state　of　the　kitchen）　and　told　me　a　little　about　herself。　she　is　in　her　eighties；　never　married；　and　has　lived　here　all　her　life。　naturally　enough　our　talk　then　turned　to　the　family。　mrs。　dunne　knew　the　mother　of　the　twins　as　a　girl　and　young　woman。　she　confirmed　what　i　had　already　understood：　that　it　is　the　recent　departure　of　the　mother　to　an　asylum　for　the　sick　of　mind　that　precipitated　my　engagement。　she　gave　me　such　a　contorted　account　of　the　events　that　precipitated　the　mother’s　mittal　that　i　could　not　make　out　whether　the　woman　had　or　had　not　attacked　the　doctor’s　wife　with　a　violin。　it　hardly　matters；　clearly　there　is　a　family　history　of　disturbance　in　the　brain；　and　i　confess；　my　heart　beat　a　little　faster　when　i　had　it　confirmed。　what　satisfaction　is　there；　for　a　governess；　in　being　given　the　direction　of　minds　that　already　run　in　smooth　and　untrammeled　lines？　what　challenge　in　maintaining　ordered　thinking　in　children　whose　minds　are　already　neat　and　tidy？　i　am　not　only　ready　for　this　job；　i　have　spent　years　longing　for　it。　here；　i　shall　finally　find　out　what　my　methods　are　worth！

i　inquired　after　the　father’s　family—…for　though　mr。　march　is　deceased　and　the　children　never　knew　him；　still；　his　blood　is　theirs　and　has　an　impact　on　their　natures。　mrs。　dunne　was　able　to　tell　me　very　little；　though。　instead；　she　began　a　series　of　anecdotes　about　the　mother　and　the　uncle；　which；　if　i　am　to　read　between　the　lines　（as　i’m　sure　she　meant　me　to）；　contained　hints　of　something　scandalous…　of　course；　what　she　suggests　is　not　at　all　likely；　not　in　england　at　least；　and　i　suspect　her　of　being　somewhat　fanciful。　the　imagination　is　a　healthy　thing；　and　a　great　many　scientific　discoveries　could　not　have　been　made　without　it；　but　it　needs　to　be　harnessed　to　some　serious　object　if　it　is　to　e　to　anything。　left　to　wander　its　own　way；　it　tends　to　lead　into　silliness。　perhaps　it　is　age　that　makes　her　mind　wander；　for　she　seems　a　kind　thing　in　other　ways；　and　not　the　sort　to　invent　gossip　for　the　sake　of　it。　in　any　case；　i　immediately　put　the　topic　firmly　from　my　mind。

as　i　write　this　i　hear　noises　outside　my　room。　the　girls　have　e　out　of　their　hiding　place　and　are　creeping　about　the　house。　they　have　been　done　no　favors；　allowed　to　suit　themselves　like　this。　they　will　benefit　enormously　from　the　regime　of　order；　hygiene　and　discipline　that　i　mean　to　instill　in　the　house。　i　shall　not　go　out　to　them。　no　doubt　they　will　expect　me　to；　and　it　will　suit　my　purposes　to　disconcert　them　at　this　stage。

mrs。　dunne　showed　me　the　rooms　on　the　ground　floor。　there　is　filth　everywhere；　all　the　surfaces　thick　with　dust；　and　curtains　hanging　in　tatters；　though　she　does　not　see　it　and　thinks　of　them　as　they　were　years　ago　in　the　time　of　the　twins’　grandfather；　when　there　was　a　full　staff　there　is　a　piano　that　may　be　beyond　saving；　but　i　will　see　what　can　be　done；　and　a　library　that　may　be　full　of　knowledge　once　the　dust　is　wiped　and　one　can　see　what　is　there。

the　other　floors　i　explored　alone；　not　wanting　to　inflict　too　many　stairs　at　once　on　mrs。　dunne。　on　the　first　floor　i　became　aware　of　a　scuffling；　a　whispering　and　smothered　giggling。　i　had　found　my　charges。　they　had　locked　the　door　and　fell　silent　when　i　tried　the　handle。　i　called　their　names　once；　then　left　them　to　their　own　devices　and　went　on　to　the　second　floor。　it　is　a　cardinal　rule　that　i　do　not　chase　my　charges；　but　train　them　to　e　to　me。　the　second…floor　rooms　were　in　the　most　terrible　disorder。　dirty；　but　i　had　e　to　expect　that。　rainwater　had　e　through　the　roof　（i　expected　as　much）　and　there　were　fungi　growing　in　some　of　the　rotting　floorboards。　this　is　a　truly　unhealthy　environment　in　which　to　raise　children。　a　number　of　floorboards　were　missing；　looked　as　if　they　had　been　deliberately　removed。　i　shall　have　to　see　mr。　angelfield　about　getting　these　repaired。　i　shall　point　out　to　him　that　someone　could　fall　downstairs　or　at　the　very　least　twist　an　ankle。　all　the　hinges　need　oiling；　and　all　the　doorframes　are　warped。　wherever　i　went　i　was　followed　by　a　squeaking　of　doors　swinging　on　their　hinges；　a　creaking　of　floorboards；　and　drafts　that　set　curtains　fluttering；　though　it　is　impossible　to　tell　exactly　where　they　e　from。

i　returned　to　the　kitchen　as　soon　as　i　could。　mrs。　dunne　was　preparing　our　evening　meal；　and　i　had　no　inclination　to　eat　food　cooked　in　pots　as　unpleasant　as　the　ones　i　had　seen；　so　i　got　stuck　into　a　great　pile　of　w