Jane Eyre-第82章
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on better terms with himself。
i am afraid the whole of the ensuing week tried his patience。 it was christmas week： we took to no settled employment； but spent it in a sort of merry domestic dissipation。 the air of the moors； the freedom of home； the dawn of prosperity； acted on diana and mary’s spirits like some life…giving elixir： they were gay from morning till noon； and from noon till night。 they could always talk； and their discourse； witty； pithy； original； had such charms for me； that i preferred listening to； and sharing in it； to doing anything else。 st。 john did not rebuke our vivacity； but he escaped from it： he was seldom in the house； his parish was large； the population scattered； and he found daily business in visiting the sick and poor in its different districts。
one morning at breakfast； diana； after looking a little pensive for some minutes； asked him； “if his plans were yet unchanged。”
“unchanged and unchangeable；” was the reply。 and he proceeded to inform us that his departure from england was now definitively fixed for the ensuing year。
“and rosamond oliver？” suggested mary； the words seeming to escape her lips involuntarily： for no sooner had she uttered them； than she made a gesture as if wishing to recall them。 st。 john had a book in his hand—it was his unsocial custom to read at meals—he closed it； and looked up；
“rosamond oliver；” said he； “is about to be married to mr。 granby； one of the best connected and most estimable residents in s…； grandson and heir to sir frederic granby： i had the intelligence from her father yesterday。”
his sisters looked at each other and at me； we all three looked at him： he was serene as glass。
“the match must have been got up hastily；” said diana： “they cannot have known each other long。”
“but two months： they met in october at the county ball at s…。 but where there are no obstacles to a union； as in the present case； where the connection is in every point desirable； delays are unnecessary： they will be married as soon as s… place； which sir frederic gives up to them； can he refitted for their reception。”
the first time i found st。 john alone after this munication； i felt tempted to inquire if the event distressed him： but he seemed so little to need sympathy； that； so far from venturing to offer him more； i experienced some shame at the recollection of what i had already hazarded。 besides； i was out of practice in talking to him： his reserve was again frozen over； and my frankness was congealed beneath it。 he had not kept his promise of treating me like his sisters； he continually made little chilling differences between us； which did not at all tend to the development of cordiality： in short； now that i was acknowledged his kinswoman； and lived under the same roof with him； i felt the distance between us to be far greater than when he had known me only as the village schoolmistress。 when i remembered how far i had once been admitted to his confidence； i could hardly prehend his present frigidity。
such being the case； i felt not a little surprised when he raised his head suddenly from the desk over which he was stooping； and said—
“you see； jane； the battle is fought and the victory won。”
startled at being thus addressed； i did not immediately reply： after a moment’s hesitation i answered—
“but are you sure you are not in the position of those conquerors whose triumphs have cost them too dear？ would not such another ruin you？”
“i think not； and if i were； it does not much signify； i shall never be called upon to contend for such another。 the event of the conflict is decisive： my way is now clear； i thank god for it！” so saying； he returned to his papers and his silence。
as our mutual happiness （i。e。； diana’s； mary’s； and mine） settled into a quieter character； and we resumed our usual habits and regular studies； st。 john stayed more at home： he sat with us in the same room； sometimes for hours together。 while mary drew； diana pursued a course of encyclopaedic reading she had （to my awe and amazement） undertaken； and i fagged away at german； he pondered a mystic lore of his own： that of some eastern tongue； the acquisition of which he thought necessary to his plans。
thus engaged； he appeared； sitting in his own recess； quiet and absorbed enough； but that blue eye of his had a habit of leaving the outlandish…looking grammar； and wandering over； and sometimes fixing upon us； his fellow…students； with a curious intensity of observation： if caught； it would be instantly withdrawn； yet ever and anon； it returned searchingly to our table。 i wondered what it meant： i wondered； too； at the punctual satisfaction he never failed to exhibit on an occasion that seemed to me of small moment； namely； my weekly visit to morton school； and still more was i puzzled when； if the day was unfavourable； if there was snow； or rain； or high wind； and his sisters urged me not to go； he would invariably make light of their solicitude； and encourage me to acplish the task without regard to the elements。
“jane is not such a weakling as you would make her；” he would say： “she can bear a mountain blast； or a shower； or a few flakes of snow； as well as any of us。 her constitution is both sound and elastic；—better calculated to endure variations of climate than many more robust。”
and when i returned； sometimes a good deal tired； and not a little weather…beaten； i never dared plain； because i saw that to murmur would be to vex him： on all occasions fortitude pleased him； the reverse was a special annoyance。
one afternoon； however； i got leave to stay at home； because i really had a cold。 his sisters were gone to morton in my stead： i sat reading schiller； he； deciphering his crabbed oriental scrolls。 as i exchanged a translation for an exercise； i happened to look his way： there i found myself under the influence of the ever…watchful blue eye。 how long it had been searching me through and through； and over and over； i cannot tell： so keen was it； and yet so cold； i felt for the moment superstitious—as if i were sitting in the room with something uncanny。
“jane； what are you doing？”
“learning german。”
“i want you to give up german and learn hindostanee。”
“you are not in earnest？”
“in such earnest that i must have it so： and i will tell you why。”
he then went on to explain that hindostanee was the language he was himself at present studying； that； as he advanced； he was apt to forget the mencement； that it would assist him greatly to have a pupil with whom he might again and again go over the elements； and so fix them thoroughly in his mind； that his choice had hovered for some time between me and his sisters； but that he had fixed on me because he saw i could sit at a task the longest of the three。 would i do him this favour？ i should not； perhaps； have to make the sacrifice long； as it wanted now barely three months to his departure。
st。 john was not a man to be lightly refused： you felt that every impression made on him； either for pain or pleasure； was deep…graved and permanent。 i consented。 when diana and mary returned； the former found her scholar transferred from her to her brother： she laughed； and both she and mary agreed that st。 john should never have persuaded them to such a step。 he answered quietly—
“i know it。”
i found him a very patient； very forbearing； and yet an exacting master： he expected me to do a great deal； and when i fulfilled his expectations； he； in his own way； fully testified his approbation。 by degrees； he acquired a certain influence over me that took away my liberty of mind： his praise and notice were more restraining than his indifference。 i could no longer talk or laugh freely when he was by； because a tiresomely importunate instinct reminded me that vivacity （at least in me） was distasteful to him。 i was so fully aware that only serious moods and occupations were acceptable； that in his presence every effort to sustain or follow any other became vain： i fell under a freezing spell。 when he said “go；” i went； “e；” i came； “do this；” i did it。 but i did not love my servitude： i wished； many a time； he had continued to neglect me。
one evening when； at bedtime； his sisters and i stood round him； bidding him good…night； he kissed each of them； as was his custom； and； as was equally his custom； he gave me his hand。 diana； who chanced to be in a frolicsome humour （she was not painfully controlled by his will； for hers； in another way； was as strong）； exclaimed—
“st。 john！ you used to call jane your third sister； but you don’t treat her as such： you should kiss her too。”
she pushed me towards him。 i thought diana very provoking； and felt unfortably confused； and while i was thus thinking and feeling； st。 john bent his head； his greek face was brought to a level with mine； his eyes questioned my eyes piercingly—he kissed me。 there are no such things as marble kisses or ice kisses； or i should say my ecclesiastical cousin’s salute belonged to one of these classes； but there may be experiment kisses； and his was an experiment kiss。 when given； he viewed me to learn the result； it was not striking： i am sure i did not blush； perhaps i might
