little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第118章

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would　never　forget　you。　She　e；　and　I　loved　her
almost　as　soon　as　I　spoke　to　her。　But　there　is　nothing　singular　in　that；
who　could　help　loving　so　beautiful　and　winning　a　creature！　I　could　not
wonder　at　any　one　loving　her。　No　indeed。

It　will　not　make　you　uneasy　on　Mrs　Gowan's　account；　I　hope……for　I
remember　that　you　said　you　had　the　interest　of　a　true　friend　in　her……if
I　tell　you　that　I　wish　she　could　have　married　some　one　better　suited　to
her。　Mr　Gowan　seems　fond　of　her；　and　of　course　she　is　very　fond　of　him；
but　I　thought　he　was　not　earnest　enough……I　don't　mean　in　that　respect……I
mean　in　anything。　I　could　not　keep　it　out　of　my　mind　that　if　I　was　Mrs
Gowan　（what　a　change　that　would　be；　and　how　I　must　alter　to　bee　like
her！）　I　should　feel　that　I　was　rather　lonely　and　lost；　for　the　want　of
some　one　who　was　steadfast　and　firm　in　purpose。　I　even　thought　she　felt
this　want　a　little；　almost　without　knowing　it。　But　mind　you　are　not　made
uneasy　by　this；　for　she　was　'very　well　and　very　happy。'　And　she　looked
most　beautiful。

I　expect　to　meet　her　again　before　long；　and　indeed　have　been　expecting
for　some　days　past　to　see　her　here。　I　will　ever　be　as　good　a　friend　to
her　as　I　can　for　your　sake。　Dear　Mr　Clennam；　I　dare　say　you　think　little
of　having　been　a　friend　to　me　when　I　had　no　other　（not　that　I　have　any
other　now；　for　I　have　made　no　new　friends）；　but　I　think　much　of　it；　and
I　never　can　forget　it。

I　wish　I　knew……but　it　is　best　for　no　one　to　write　to　me……how　Mr　and　Mrs
Plornish　prosper　in　the　business　which　my　dear　father　bought　for　them；
and　that　old　Mr　Nandy　lives　happily　with　them　and　his　two　grandchildren；
and　sings　all　his　songs　over　and　over　again。　I　cannot　quite　keep　back
the　tears　from　my　eyes　when　I　think　of　my　poor　Maggy；　and　of　the　blank
she　must　have　felt　at　first；　however　kind　they　all　are　to　her；　without
her　Little　Mother。　Will　you　go　and　tell　her；　as　a　strict　secret；　with　my
love；　that　she　never　can　have　regretted　our　separation　more　than　I　have
regretted　it？　And　will　you　tell　them　all　that　I　have　thought　of　them
every　day；　and　that　my　heart　is　faithful　to　them　everywhere？　O；　if　you
could　know　how　faithful；　you　would　almost　pity　me　for　being　so　far　away
and　being　so　grand！

You　will　be　glad；　I　am　sure；　to　know　that　my　dear　father　is　very　well
in　health；　and　that　all　these　changes　are　highly　beneficial　to　him；　and
that　he　is　very　different　indeed　from　what　he　used　to　be　when　you　used
to　see　him。　There　is　an　improvement　in　my　uncle　too；　I　think；　though　he
never　plained　of　old；　and　never　exults　now。　Fanny　is　very　graceful；
quick；　and　clever。　It　is　natural　to　her　to　be　a　lady；　she　has　adapted
herself　to　our　new　fortunes　with　wonderful　ease。

This　reminds　me　that　I　have　not　been　able　to　do　so；　and　that　I　sometimes
almost　despair　of　ever　being　able　to　do　so。　I　find　that　I　cannot　learn。
Mrs　General　is　always　with　us；　and　we　speak　French　and　speak　Italian；
and　she　takes　pains　to　form　us　in　many　ways。　When　I　say　we　speak　French
and　Italian；　I　mean　they　do。　As　for　me；　I　am　so　slow　that　I　scarcely
get　on　at　all。　As　soon　as　I　begin　to　plan；　and　think；　and　try；　all　my
planning；　thinking；　and　trying　go　in　old　directions；　and　I　begin　to　feel
careful　again　about　the　expenses　of　the　day；　and　about　my　dear　father；
and　about　my　work；　and　then　I　remember　with　a　start　that　there　are　no
such　cares　left；　and　that　in　itself　is　so　new　and　improbable　that　it
sets　me　wandering　again。　I　should　not　have　the　courage　to　mention　this
to　any　one　but　you。

It　is　the　same　with　all　these　new　countries　and　wonderful　sights。
They　are　very　beautiful；　and　they　astonish　me；　but　I　am　not　collected
enough……not　familiar　enough　with　myself；　if　you　can　quite　understand
what　I　mean……to　have　all　the　pleasure　in　them　that　I　might　have。　What
I　knew　before　them；　blends　with　them；　too；　so　curiously。　For　instance；
when　we　were　among　the　mountains；　I　often　felt　（I　hesitate　to　tell　such
an　idle　thing；　dear　Mr　Clennam；　even　to　you）　as　if　the　Marshalsea　must
be　behind　that　great　rock；　or　as　if　Mrs　Clennam's　room　where　I　have
worked　so　many　days；　and　where　I　first　saw　you；　must　be　just　beyond　that
snow。　Do　you　remember　one　night　when　I　came　with　Maggy　to　your　lodging
in　Covent　Garden？　That　room　I　have　often　and　often　fancied　I　have　seen
before　me；　travelling　along　for　miles　by　the　side　of　our　carriage；　when
I　have　looked　out　of　the　carriage…window　after　dark。　We　were　shut　out
that　night；　and　sat　at　the　iron　gate；　and　walked　about　till　morning。
I　often　look　up　at　the　stars；　even　from　the　balcony　of　this　room；　and
believe　that　I　am　in　the　street　again；　shut　out　with　Maggy。　It　is　the
same　with　people　that　I　left　in　England。

When　I　go　about　here　in　a　gondola；　I　surprise　myself　looking　into　other
gondolas　as　if　I　hoped　to　see　them。　It　would　overe　me　with　joy　to
see　them；　but　I　don't　think　it　would　surprise　me　much；　at　first。　In　my
fanciful　times；　I　fancy　that　they　might　be　anywhere；　and　I　almost　expect
to　see　their　dear　faces　on　the　bridges　or　the　quays。

Another　difficulty　that　I　have　will　seem　very　strange　to　you。　It　must
seem　very　strange　to　any　one　but　me；　and　does　even　to　me：　I　often　feel
the　old　sad　pity　for……I　need　not　write　the　word……for　him。　Changed　as　he
is；　and　inexpressibly　blest　and　thankful　as　I　always　am　to　know　it；　the
old　sorrowful　feeling　of　passion　es　upon　me　sometimes　with　such
strength　that　I　want　to　put　my　arms　round　his　neck；　tell　him　how　I　love
him；　and　cry　a　little　on　his　breast。　I　should　be　glad　after　that；　and
proud　and　happy。　But　I　know　that　I　must　not　do　this；　that　he　would　not
like　it；　that　Fanny　would　be　angry；　that　Mrs　General　would　be　amazed；
and　so　I　quiet　myself。　Yet　in　doing　so；　I　struggle　with　the　feeling　that
I　have　e　to　be　at　a　distance　from　him；　and　that　even　in　the　midst　of
all　the　servants　and　attendants；　he　is　deserted；　and　in　want　of　me。

Dear　Mr　Clennam；　I　have　written　a　great　deal　about　myself；　but　I　must
write　a　little　more　still；　or　what　I　wanted　most　of　all　to　say　in　this
weak　letter　would　be　left　out　of　it。　In　all　these　foolish　thoughts　of
mine；　which　I　have　been　so　hardy　as　to　confess　to　you　because　I　know　you
will　understand　me　if　anybody　can；　and　will　make　more　allowance　for　me
than　anybody　else　would　if　you　cannot……in　all　these　thoughts；　there　is
one　thought　scarcely　ever……never……out　of　my　memory；　and　that　is　that
I　hope　you　sometimes；　in　a　quiet　moment；　have　a　thought　for　me。　I　must
tell　you　that　as　to　this；　I　have　felt；　ever　since　I　have　been　away；　an
anxiety　which　I　am　very　anxious　to　relieve。　I　have　been　afraid　that　you
may　think　of　me　in　a　new　light；　or　a　new　character。　Don't　do　that；　I
could　not　bear　that……it　would　make　me　more　unhappy　than　you　can　suppose。
It　would　break　my　heart　to　believe　that　you　thought　of　me　in　any　way
that　would　make　me　stranger　to　you　than　I　was　when　you　were　so　good　to
me。　What　I　have　to　pray　and　entreat　of　you　is；　that　you　will　never　think
of　me　as　the　daughter　of　a　rich　person；　that　you　will　never　think　of　me
as　dressing　any　better；　or　living　any　better；　than　when　you　first
knew　me。　That　you　will　remember　me　only　as　the　little　shabby　girl　you
protected　with　so　much　tenderness；　from　whose　threadbare　dress　you　have
kept　away　the　rain；　and　whose　wet　feet　you　have　dried　at　your　fire。
That　you　will　think　of　me　（when　you　think　of　me　at　all）；　and　of　my　true
affection　and　devoted　gratitude；　always　without　change；　as　of　your　poor
child；　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　LITTLE　DORRIT。

P。S。……Particularly　remember　that　you　are　not　to　be　uneasy　about　Mrs
Gowan。　Her　words　were；　'Very　well　and　very　happy。'　And　she　looked　most
beautiful。




CHAPTER　5。　Something　Wrong　Somewhere


The　family　had　been　a　month　or　two　at　Venice；　when　Mr　Dorrit；　who　was
much　among　Counts　and　Marquises；　and　had　but　scant　leisure；　set　an　hour
of　one　day　apart；　beforehand；　for　the　purpose　of　holding　some　conference
with　Mrs　General。

The　time　he　had　reserved　in　his　mind　arriving；　he　sent　Mr　Tinkler；　his
valet；　to　Mrs　General's　apartment　（which　would　have　absorbed　about　a
third　of　the　area　of　the　Marshalsea）；　to　present　his　pliments　to　that
lady；　and　represent　him　as　desiring　the　favour　of　an　interview。　It　being
that　period　of　the　forenoon　when　the　various　members　of　the　family　had
coffee　in　their　own　chambers；　some　couple　of　hours　before　assembling　at
breakfast　in　a　faded　hall　which　had　once　been　sumptuous；　but　was　now
the　prey　of　watery　vapours　and　a　settled　melancholy；　Mrs　General　was
accessible　to　the　valet。　That　envoy　found　her　on　a　little　square　of
carpet；　so　extremely　diminutive　in　reference　to　the　size　of　her　stone
and　marble　floor　that　she　looked　as　if　she　might　have　had　it　spread　for
the　trying　on　of　a　ready…made　pair　of　shoes；　or　as　if　she　had　e　into
possession　of　the　enchanted　piece　of　carpet；　bought　for　forty　purses　by
one　of　the　three　princes　in　the　Arabian　Nights；　and　had　that　moment　been
transported　on　it；　at　a　wish；　into　a　palatial　saloon　with　which　it　had
no　connection。

Mrs　General；　replying　to　the　envoy；　as　she　set　down　her　empty
coffee…cup；　that　she　was　willing　at　once　to　proceed　to　Mr　Dorrit's
apartment；　and　spare　him　the　trouble　of　ing　to　her　（which；　in　his
gallantry；　he　had　proposed）；　the