new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第77章

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I　frowned；　and　turned　for　the　window。　It　wasn't　really　that　far　to　the　ground；　
and　it　was　mostly　grass　
beneath　
〃Okay；〃　he　sighed。　〃I'll　give　you　a　ride。〃　
I　shrugged。　〃Either　way。　But　you　probably　should　be　there；　too。〃　
〃And　why　is　that？〃　
〃Because　you're　extraordinarily　opinionated；　and　I'm　sure　you'll　want　a　chance　
to　air　your　views。〃　
〃My　views　on　which　subject？〃　He　asked　through　his　teeth。　
〃This　isn't　just　about　you　anymore。　You're　not　the　center　of　the　universe；　you　
know。〃　My　own　personal　
universe　was；　of　course；　a　different　story。　〃If　you're　going　to　bring　the　
Volturi　down　on　us　over　something　
as　stupid　as　leaving　me　human；　then　your　family　ought　to　have　a　say。〃　
〃A　say　in　what？〃　he　asked；　each　word　distinct。　
〃My　mortality。　I'm　putting　it　to　a　vote。〃　
　24。　VOTE
HE　WAS　NOT　PLEASED；　THAT　MUCH　WAS　EASY　TO　READ　in　his　face。　But；　without　
further　
argument；　he　took　me　in　his　arms　and　sprang　lithely　from　my　window；　landing　
without　the　slightest　jolt；　
like　a　cat。　It　was　a　little　bit　farther　down　than　I'd　imagined。　
〃All　right　then；〃　he　said；　his　voice　seething　with　disapproval。　〃Up　you　go。〃　
He　helped　me　onto　his　back；　and　took　off　running。　Even　after　all　this　time；　it　
felt　routine。　Easy。　Evidently　
this　was　something　you　never　forgot；　like　riding　a　bicycle。　
It　was　so　very　quiet　and　dark　as　he　ran　through　the　forest；　his　breathing　slow　
and　even—dark　enough　
that　the　trees　flying　past　us　were　nearly　invisible；　and　only　the　rush　of　air　
in　my　face　truly　gave　away　our　
speed。　The　air　was　damp；　it　didn't　burn　my　eyes　the　way　the　wind　in　the　big　
plaza　had；　and　that　was　
forting。　As　was　the　night；　too；　after　that　terrifying　brightness。　Like　the　
thick　quilt　I'd　played　under　as　a　
child；　the　dark　felt　familiar　and　protecting。　
I　remembered　that　running　through　the　forest　like　this　used　to　frighten　me；　
that　I　used　to　have　to　close　my　
eyes。　It　seemed　a　silly　reaction　to　me　now。　I　kept　my　eyes　wide；　my　chin　
resting　on　his　shoulder；　my　
cheek　against　his　neck。　The　speed　was　exhilarating。　A　hundred　times　better　
than　the　motorcycle。　
I　turned　my　face　toward　him　and　pressed　my　lips　into　the　cold　stone　skin　of　
his　neck。　
〃Thank　you；〃　he　said；　as　the　vague；　black　shapes　of　trees　raced　past　us。　〃Does　
that　mean　you've　decided　
you're　awake？〃　
I　laughed。　The　sound　was　easy；　natural；　effortless。　It　sounded　right。　〃Not　
really。　More　that；　either　way；　
I'm　not　trying　to　wake　up。　Not　tonight。〃　
〃I'll　earn　your　trust　back　somehow；〃　he　murmured；　mostly　to　himself。　〃If　it's　
my　final　act。〃　
〃I　trust　you；〃　I　assured　him。　〃It's　me　I　don't　trust。〃　
〃Explain　that；　please。〃　
He'd　slowed　to　a　walk—I　could　only　tell　because　the　wind　ceased—and　I　
guessed　that　we　weren't　far　
from　the　house。　In　fact；　I　thought　I　could　make　out　the　sound　of　the　river　
rushing　somewhere　close　by　in　
the　darkness。　
〃Well—〃　I　struggled　to　find　the　right　way　to　phrase　it。　〃I　don't　trust　myself　
to　be　enough。　To　deserve　
you。　There's　nothing　about　me　that　could　hold　you。〃　
He　stopped　and　reached　around　to　pull　me　from　his　back。　His　gentle　hands　did　
not　release　me；　after　he'd　
set　me　on　my　feet　again；　he　wrapped　his　arms　tightly　around　me；　hugging　me　to　
his　chest。　
〃Your　hold　is　permanent　and　unbreakable；〃　he　whispered。　〃Never　doubt　that。〃　
But　how　could　I　not？　
〃You　never　did　tell　me〃　he　murmured。　
〃What？〃　
〃What　your　greatest　problem　is。〃　
〃I'll　give　you　one　guess。〃　I　sighed；　and　reached　up　to　touch　the　tip　of　his　
nose　with　my　index　finger。　
He　nodded。　〃I'm　worse　than　the　Volturi；〃　he　said　grimly。　〃I　guess　I've　earned　
that。〃　
I　rolled　my　eyes。　〃The　worst　the　Volturi　can　do　is　kill　me。〃　
He　waited　with　tense　eyes。　
〃You　can　leave　me；〃　I　explained。　〃The　Volturi；　Victoria　they're　nothing　
pared　to　that。〃　
Even　in　the　darkness；　I　could　see　the　anguish　twist　his　face—it　reminded　me　
of　his　expression　under　
Jane's　torturing　gaze；　I　felt　sick；　and　regretted　speaking　the　truth。　
〃Don't；〃　I　whispered；　touching　his　face。　〃Don't　be　sad。〃　
He　pulled　one　corner　of　his　mouth　up　halfheartedly；　but　the　expression　didn't　
touch　his　eyes。　〃If　there　was　
only　some　way　to　make　you　see　that　I　can't　leave　you；〃　he　whispered。　〃Time；　I　
suppose；　will　be　the　way　
to　convince　you。〃　
I　liked　the　idea　of　time。　〃Okay；〃　I　agreed。　
His　face　was　still　tormented。　I　tried　to　distract　him　with　inconsequentials。　
〃So—since　you're　staying。　Can　I　have　my　stuff　back？〃　I　asked；　making　my　tone　
as　light　as　I　could　
manage。　
My　attempt　worked；　to　an　extent：　he　laughed。　But　his　eyes　retained　the　misery。　
〃Your　things　were　never　
gone；〃　he　told　me。　〃I　knew　it　was　wrong；　since　I　promised　you　peace　without　
reminders。　It　was　stupid　
and　childish；　but　I　wanted　to　leave　something　of　myself　with　you。　The　CD；　the　
pictures；　the　
tickets—they're　all　under　your　floorboards。〃　
〃Really？〃　
He　nodded；　seeming　slightly　cheered　by　my　obvious　pleasure　in　this　trivial　
fact。　It　wasn't　enough　to　heal　
the　pain　in　his　face　pletely。　
〃I　think；〃　I　said　slowly；　〃I'm　not　sure；　but　I　wonder　I　think　maybe　I　knew　
it　the　whole　time。〃　
〃What　did　you　know？〃　
I　only　wanted　to　take　away　the　agony　in　his　eyes；　but　as　I　spoke　the　words；　
they　sounded　truer　than　I　
expected　they　would。　
〃Some　part　of　me；　my　subconscious　maybe；　never　stopped　believing　that　you　
still　cared　whether　I　lived　
or　died。　That's　probably　why　I　was　hearing　the　voices。〃　
There　was　a　very　deep　silence　for　a　moment。　〃Voices？〃　he　asked　flatly。　
〃Well；　just　one　voice。　Yours。　It's　a　long　story。〃　The　wary　look　on　his　face　
made　me　wish　that　I　hadn't　
brought　that　up。　Would　he　think　I　was　crazy；　like　everyone　else？　Was　everyone　
else　right　about　that？　But　
at　least　that　expression—the　one　that　made　him　look　like　something　was　
burning　him—faded。　
〃I've　got　time。〃　His　voice　was　unnaturally　even。　
〃It's　pretty　pathetic。〃　
He　waited。　
I　wasn't　sure　how　to　explain。　〃Do　you　remember　what　Alice　said　about　extreme　
sports？〃　
He　spoke　the　words　without　inflection　or　emphasis。　〃You　jumped　off　a　cliff　for　
fun。〃　
〃Er；　right。　And　before　that；　with　the　motorcycle—〃　
〃Motorcycle？〃　he　asked。　I　knew　his　voice　well　enough　to　hear　something　brewing　
behind　the　calm。　
〃I　guess　I　didn't　tell　Alice　about　that　part。〃　
〃No。〃　
〃Well；　about　that　See；　I　found　that　when　I　was　doing　something　dangerous　
or　stupid　I　could　
remember　you　more　clearly；〃　I　confessed；　feeling　pletely　mental。　〃I　could　
remember　how　your　voice　
sounded　when　you　were　angry。　I　could　hear　it；　like　you　were　standing　right　
there　next　to　me。　Mostly　I　
tried　not　to　think　about　you；　but　this　didn't　hurt　so　much—it　was　like　you　
were　protecting　me　again。　Like　
you　didn't　want　me　to　be　hurt。　
〃And；　well；　I　wonder　if　the　reason　I　could　hear　you　so　clearly　was　because；　
underneath　it　all。　I　always　
knew　that　you　hadn't　stopped　loving　me。〃　
Again；　as　I　spoke；　the　words　brought　with　them　a　sense　of　conviction。　Of　
rightness。　Some　deep　place　
inside　me　recognized　truth。　
His　words　came　out　half…strangled。　〃You　were　risking　your　life　to　hear—
〃　
〃Shh；〃　I　interrupted　him。　〃Hold　on　a　second。　I　think　I'm　having　an　epiphany　
here。〃　
I　thought　of　that　night　in　Port　Angeles　when　I'd　had　my　first　delusion。　I'd　
e　up　with　two　options。　
Insanity　or　wish　fulfillment。　I'd　seen　no　third　option。　
But　what　if　
What　if　you　sincerely　believed　something　was　true；　but　you　were　dead　wrong？　
What　if　you　were　so　
stubbornly　sure　that　you　were　right；　that　you　wouldn't　even　consider　the　
truth？　Would　the　truth　be　
silenced；　or　would　it　try　to　break　through？　
Option　three：　Edward　loved　me。　The　bond　forged　between　us　was　not　one　that　
could　be　broken　by　
absence；　distance；　or　time。　And　no　matter　how　much　more　special　or　beautiful　
or　brilliant　or　perfect　than　
me　he　might　be；　he　was　as　irreversibly　altered　as　I　was。　As　I　would　always　
belong　to　him；　so　would　he　
always　be　mine。　
Was　that　what　I'd　been　trying　to　tell　myself？　
〃Oh！〃　
〃Bella？〃　
〃Oh。　Okay。　I　see。〃　
〃Your　epiphany？〃　he　asked；　his　voice　uneven　and　strained。　
〃You　love　me；〃　I　marveled。　The　sense　of　conviction　and　Tightness　washed　
through　me　again。　
Though　his　eyes　were　still　anxious；　the　crooked　smile　I　loved　best　flashed　
across　his　face。　〃Truly；　I　do。〃　
My　heart　inflated　like　it　was　going　to　crack　right　through　my　ribs。　It　filled　
my　chest　and　blocked　my　throat　
so　that　I　could　not　speak。　
He　really　did　want　me　the　way　I　wanted　him—forever。　It　was　only　fear　for　my　
soul；　for　the　human　things　
he　didn't　want　to　take　from　me；　that　made　him　so　desperate　to　leave　me　mortal。　
pared　to　the　fear　
that　he　didn't　want　me；　this　hurdle—my　soul—seemed　almost　insignificant。　
He　took　my　face　tightly　between　his　cool　hands　and　kissed　me　until　I　was　so　
dizzy　the　forest　was　
spinning。　Then　he　leaned　his　forehead　against　mine；　and　I　was　not　the　only　one　
breathing　harder　than　
usual。　
〃You　were　better　at　it　than　I　was；　you　know；〃　he　told　me。　
〃Better　at　what？〃　
〃Surviving。　You；　at　least；　made　an　effort。　You　got　up　in　the　morning；　tried　to　
be　normal　for　Charlie；　
followed　the　pattern　of　your　life。　When　I　wasn't　actively　tracking；　I　was　
totally　useless。　I　couldn't　be　
around　my　family—I　couldn't　be　around　anyone。