new moon(暮光之城-新月英文版)-第18章

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The　doors　slid　open　to　let　me　out　into　the　rain。　I　hunched　over　inside　my　
jacket　as　I　dashed　for　my　truck。　
The　rain　hammering　against　my　hood　sounded　unusually　loud；　too；　but　soon　the　
roar　of　the　engine　
drowned　out　everything　else。　
I　didn't　want　to　go　back　to　Charlie's　empty　house。　Last　night　had　been　
particularly　brutal；　and　I　had　no　
desire　to　revisit　the　scene　of　the　suffering。　Even　after　the　pain　had　subsided　
enough　for　me　to　sleep；　it　
wasn't　over。　Like　I'd　told　Jessica　after　the　movie；　there　was　never　any　doubt　
that　I　would　have　
nightmares。　
I　always　had　nightmares　now；　every　night。　Not　nightmares　really；　not　in　the　
plural；　because　it　was　always　
the　same　nightmare。　You'd　think　I'd　get　bored　after　so　many　months；　grow　
immune　to　it。　But　the　dream　
never　failed　to　horrify　me；　and　only　ended　when　I　woke　myself　with　screaming。　
Charlie　didn't　e　in　to　
see　what　was　wrong　anymore；　to　make　sure　there　was　no　intruder　strangling　me　
or　something　like　
that—he　was　used　to　it　now。　
My　nightmare　probably　wouldn't　even　frighten　someone　else。　Nothing　jumped　out　
and　screamed；　〃Boo！〃　
There　were　no　zombies；　no　ghosts；　no　psychopaths。　There　was　nothing；　really。　
Only　nothing。　Just　the　
endless　maze　of　moss…covered　trees；　so　quiet　that　the　silence　was　an　
unfortable　pressure　against　my　
eardrums。　It　was　dark；　like　dusk　on　a　cloudy　day；　with　only　enough　light　to　
see　that　there　was　nothing　to　
see。　I　hurried　through　the　gloom　without　a　path；　always　searching；　searching；　
searching；　getting　more　
frantic　as　the　time　stretched　on；　trying　to　move　faster；　though　the　speed　made　
me　clumsy　Then　there　
would　e　the　point　in　my　dream—and　I　could　feel　it　ing　now；　but　could　
never　seem　to　wake　
myself　up　before　it　hit—when　I　couldn't　remember　what　it　was　that　I　was　
searching　for。　When　I　realized　
that　there　was　nothing　to　search　for；　and　nothing　to　find。　That　there　never　
had　been　anything　more　than　
just　this　empty；　dreary　wood；　and　there　never　would　be　anything　more　for　me　
nothing　but　nothing　
That　was　usually　about　when　the　screaming　started。　
I　wasn't　paying　attention　to　where　I　was　driving—just　wandering　through　
empty；　wet　side　roads　as　I　
avoided　the　ways　that　would　take　me　home—because　I　didn't　have　anywhere　to　
go。　
I　wished　I　could　feel　numb　again；　but　I　couldn't　remember　how　I'd　managed　it　
before。　The　nightmare　was　
nagging　at　my　mind　and　making　me　think　about　things　that　would　cause　me　pain。　
I　didn't　want　to　
remember　the　forest。　Even　as　I　shuddered　away　from　the　images；　I　felt　my　eyes　
fill　with　tears　and　the　
aching　begin　around　the　edges　of　the　hole　in　my　chest。　I　took　one　hand　from　
the　steering　wheel　and　
wrapped　it　around　my　torso　to　hold　it　in　one　piece。　
It　will　be　as　if　I'd　never　existed。　The　words　ran　through　my　head；　lacking　the　
perfect　clarity　of　my　
hallucination　last　night。　They　were　just　words；　soundless；　like　print　on　a　
page。　Just　words；　but　they　ripped　
the　hole　wide　open；　and　I　stomped　on　the　brake；　knowing　I　should　not　drive　
while　this　incapacitated。　
I　curled　over；　pressing　my　face　against　the　steering　wheel　and　trying　to　
breathe　without　lungs。　
I　wondered　how　long　this　could　last。　Maybe　someday；　years　from　now—if　the　
pain　would　just　decrease　
to　the　point　where　I　could　bear　it—I　would　be　able　to　look　back　on　those　few　
short　months　that　would　
always　be　the　best　of　my　life。　And；　if　it　were　possible　that　the　pain　would　
ever　soften　enough　to　allow　me　
to　do　that；　I　was　sure　that　I　would　feel　grateful　for　as　much　time　as　he'd　
given　me。　More　than　I'd　asked　
for；　more　than　I'd　deserved。　Maybe　someday　I'd　be　able　to　see　it　that　way。　
But　what　if　this　hole　never　got　any　better？　If　the　raw　edges　never　healed？　If　
the　damage　was　permanent　
and　irreversible？　
I　held　myself　tightly　together。　As　if　he'd　never　existed；　I　thought　in　
despair。　What　a　stupid　and　
impossible　promise　to　make！　He　could　steal　my　pictures　and　reclaim　his　gifts；　
but　that　didn't　put　things　
back　the　way　they'd　been　before　I'd　met　him。　The　physical　evidence　was　the　
most　insignificant　part　of　the　
equation。　I　was　changed；　my　insides　altered　almost　past　the　point　of　
recognition。　Even　my　outsides　
looked　different—my　face　sallow；　white　except　for　the　purple　circles　the　
nightmares　had　left　under　my　
eyes。　My　eyes　were　dark　enough　against　my　pallid　skin　that—if　I　were　
beautiful；　and　seen　from　a　
distance—I　might　even　pass　for　a　vampire　now。　But　I　was　not　beautiful；　and　I　
probably　looked　closer　to　
a　zombie。　
As　if　he'd　never　existed？　That　was　insanity。　It　was　a　promise　that　he　could　
never　keep；　a　promise　that　
was　broken　as　soon　as　he'd　made　it。　
I　thumped　my　head　against　the　steering　wheel；　trying　to　distract　myself　from　
the　sharper　pain。　
It　made　me　feel　silly　for　ever　worrying　about　keeping　my　promise。　Where　was　
the　logic　in　sticking　to　an　
agreement　that　had　already　been　violated　by　the　other　party？　Who　cared　if　I　
was　reckless　and　stupid？　
There　was　no　reason　to　avoid　recklessness；　no　reason　why　I　shouldn't　get　to　be　
stupid。　
I　laughed　humorlessly　to　myself；　still　gasping　for　air。　Reckless　in　Forks—now　
there　was　a　hopeless　
proposition。　
The　dark　humor　distracted　me；　and　the　distraction　eased　the　pain。　My　breath　
came　easier；　and　I　was　
able　to　lean　back　against　the　seat。　Though　it　was　cold　today；　my　forehead　was　
damp　with　sweat。　
I　concentrated　on　my　hopeless　proposition　to　keep　from　sliding　back　into　the　
excruciating　memories。　To　
be　reckless　in　Forks　would　take　a　lot　of　creativity—maybe　more　than　I　had。　
But　I　wished　I　could　find　
some　way　I　might　feel　better　if　I　weren't　holding　fast；　all　alone；　to　a　
broken　pact。　If　I　were　an　
oath…breaker；　too。　But　how　could　I　cheat　on　my　side　of　the　deal；　here　in　this　
harmless　little　town？　Of　
course；　Forks　hadn't　always　been　so　harmless；　but　now　it　was　exactly　what　it　
had　always　appeared　to　
be。　It　was　dull；　it　was　safe。　
I　stared　out　the　windshield　for　a　long　moment；　my　thoughts　moving　sluggishly—
I　couldn't　seem　to　make　
those　thoughts　go　anywhere。　I　cut　the　engine；　which　was　groaning　in　a　pitiful　
way　after　idling　for　so　long；　
and　stepped　out　into　the　drizzle。　
The　cold　rain　dripped　through　my　hair　and　then　trickled　across　my　cheeks　like　
freshwater　tears。　It　helped　
to　clear　my　head。　I　blinked　the　water　from　my　eyes；　staring　blankly　across　the　
road。　
After　a　minute　of　staring；　I　recognized　where　I　was。　I'd　parked　in　the　middle　
of　the　north　lane　of　Russell　
Avenue。　I　was　standing　in　front　of　the　Cheneys'　house—my　truck　was　blocking　
their　driveway—and　
across　the　road　lived　the　Markses。　I　knew　I　needed　to　move　my　truck；　and　that　
I　ought　to　go　home。　It　
was　wrong　to　wander　the　way　I　had；　distracted　and　impaired；　a　menace　on　the　
roads　of　Forks。　Besides；　
someone　would　notice　me　soon　enough；　and　report　me　to　Charlie。　
As　I　took　a　deep　breath　in　preparation　to　move；　a　sign　in　the　Markses'　yard　
caught　my　eye—it　was　just　a　
big　piece　of　cardboard　leaning　against　their　mailbox　post；　with　black　letters　
scrawled　in　caps　across　it。　
Sometimes；　kismet　happens。　
Coincidence？　Or　was　it　meant　to　be？　I　didn't　know；　but　it　seemed　kind　of　silly　
to　think　that　it　was　
somehow　fated；　that　the　dilapidated　motorcycles　rusting　in　the　Markses'　front　
yard　beside　the　
hand…printed　FOR　SALE；　AS　IS　sign　were　serving　some　higher　purpose　by　existing　
there；　right　where　I　
needed　them　to　be。　
So　maybe　it　wasn't　kismet。　Maybe　there　were　just　all　kinds　of　ways　to　be　
reckless；　and　I　only　now　had　
my　eyes　open　to　them。　
Reckless　and　stupid。　Those　were　Charlie's　two　very　favorite　words　to　apply　to　
motorcycles。　
Charlie's　job　didn't　get　a　lot　of　action　pared　to　cops　in　bigger　towns；　but　
he　did　get　called　in　on　traffic　
accidents。　With　the　long；　wet　stretches　of　freeway　twisting　and　turning　
through　the　forest；　blind　corner　
after　blind　corner；　there　was　no　shortage　of　that　kind　of　action。　But　even　
with　all　the　huge　log…haulers　
barreling　around　the　turns；　mostly　people　walked　away。　The　exceptions　to　that　
rule　were　often　on　
motorcycles；　and　Charlie　had　seen　one　too　many　victims；　almost　always　kids；　
smeared　on　the　highway。　
He'd　made　me　promise　before　I　was　ten　that　I　would　never　accept　a　ride　on　a　
motorcycle。　Even　at　that　
age；　I　didn't　have　to　think　twice　before　promising。　Who　would　want　to　ride　a　
motorcycle　here？　It　would　
be　like　taking　a　sixty…mile…per…hour　bath。　
So　many　promises　I　kept　
It　clicked　together　for　me　then。　I　wanted　to　be　stupid　and　reckless；　and　I　
wanted　to　break　promises。　
Why　stop　at　one？　
That's　as　far　as　I　thought　it　through。　I　sloshed　through　the　rain　to　the　
Markses'　front　door　and　rang　the　
bell。　
One　of　the　Marks　boys　opened　the　door；　the　younger　one；　the　freshman。　I　
couldn't　remember　his　name。　
His　sandy　hair　only　came　up　to　my　shoulder。　
He　had　no　trouble　remembering　my　name。　〃Bella　Swan？〃　he　asked　in　surprise。　
〃How　much　do　you　want　for　the　bike？〃　I　panted；　jerking　my　thumb　over　my　
shoulder　toward　the　sales　
display。　
〃Are　you　serious？〃　he　demanded。　
〃Of　course　I　am。〃　
〃They　don't　work。〃　
I　sighed　impatiently—this　was　something　I'd　already　inferred　from　the　sign。　
〃How　much？〃